she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize