this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
