I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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