laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
