There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
