dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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