Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you win again, gameday.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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