the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
