my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
