Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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