I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
