She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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