i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
