dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
