his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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