it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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