I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am naked and annoyed.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
