Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
