I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
