i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
