Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My feet surprised me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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