Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize