I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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