mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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