Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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