I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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