So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
