if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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