Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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