also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
