I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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