I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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