What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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