I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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