you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
