After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
