We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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