I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize