And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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