They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
