I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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