I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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