god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
