I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
