I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
