This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
