I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
