It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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