My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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