i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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