someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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