just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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