Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You took a bar mat shot.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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