He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize