first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
