i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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